X-Men: The Last Stand

Bomb Rating: 

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

Between them, Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn have written "XXX: State of the Union," "Elektra" and "Inspector Gadget." Now admittedly, screenwriting is a profession where one has very little control over the final product, but just how much talent does it take to write lines like "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" (unless you're William Congreve) and "take cover!" There are also two uses of the word "bitch" that I found offensive, but more than that, I found them lazy. They're unnecessary and pointless, and that in itself is profane.

Maybe there was simply a hack reunion going on while the movie was being made because the producers also brought in director Brett ("Rush Hour 2") Ratner, who has about as much talent as an avocado pit. He's replacing Bryan Singer and it's obvious that any personal connection to the material is now completely gone. "X-Men 3" is utterly witless, soulless and utilizes the kind of music that, were it played in an elevator, would inspire riders to shatter their skulls against the walls to seek relief. Seriously, I could easily do my whole review about the music. Imagine Barbie from the sorority down the street jamming her iPod buds into your ears and blasting the entire "American Idol" repertoire at a volume of "11" until the battery runs out and you get some idea of the kind of torture I'm talking about.

Ratner and the writers churn through their character development like starving squirrels discovering a secret stash of nuts. This edition begins with the government announcing that scientists have developed a cure for the mutant X gene. This sends Magneto (Ian McKellen) into a paranoid fit and Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) into defensive mode. Meanwhile, all the mutants, including Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), are trying to figure out what to make of Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), who's come back from the dead and has incredible new superpowers, including one that allows her to stand around and stare off into space while doing absolutely nothing for seemingly hours on end. Seriously, Janssen has this look on her face throughout the entire movie that screams "Help me. I'm in a really bad movie and I know it."

Internet chatter about the film has been dominated by curiosity about Angel (Ben Foster), a winged mutant whose ability to fly seems to stem from the fact that he'd easily get his ass kicked if he landed in one place for too long. Sadly, you could cut out every scene the character is in and the film would lose nothing, except maybe some audible groaning.

Hopefully, I made my last stand during an X-Men movie when I got up to leave the theater.

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