You've Got Mail

Bomb Rating: 

The contraction "you've" is the combination of the words "you" and"have," making the title of this film "You Have Got Mail," which is redundant enough to creep out the Olsen twins. Undoubtedly, this was the product of the grammatically-challenged losers over at America Online, which is basically Internet for the mentally handicapped anyway.

Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) and Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) portray members of America Online who get involved in an e-mail romance, but have never met. Who ever would have guessed that a woman who spends her Friday nights trading misspelled missives in online chat rooms would look more like Meg Ryan than Jabba the Hutt in sweat pants? Or that her mystery correspondent would be a clean-cut Tom Hanks type with -- get this -- nary a single human head in his freezer?

Although each knows the other lives in New York, Kathleen, owner of a small children's bookstore, is unaware that Joe is actually her arch-rival, the "Fox" of the Fox Books Superstore (a thinly-veiled reference to Barnes & Noble, the bookseller's equivalent to the Death Star) opening up down the street. The last part of this film consists of twenty minutes of utterly wasted material and reminded me of "Meet Joe Black" in that, once again, I begged somebody to jam a nail gun into my ear and end the agony by firing away like Charlton Heston at a Barney Frank fund-raiser.

As in real life, the big superstore devours the little independent store, proving that even the most loyal of customers will bury a hatchet in your forehead for 30% off. Of course, Kathleen learns that Joe is an okay person after all, implying that once we get to know and love these big chain stores, it won't matter that we're all making minimum wage and getting our health care from some guy named Buck who hangs out in the alley.

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